How You Become a Relationship Champion
24 golden rules to boost your relationships
I was recently reading a book by a German author who is talking about relationships. He is talking about how we can get those relationships to the next level. Not having proper relationships means being lonely and staying unsatisfied, especially during Covid-19. Having no friends or good relationships with our co-workers will lead to sick days and unproductive ones.
For that reason, the author Bodo Schäfer gives us 24 rules that will help facilitate our relationships with everyone surrounding us. Aren’t you eager to help yourself find a comfortable and actionable way to be well-liked and accepted? The following 24 golden rules will help you figure out how to become an exceptional listener, conversationalist, or just a friend.
Rule 1: Encourage the other.
Whenever you can, encourage the person you are talking to. You have to acknowledge their successes even when they are minuscule. Imagine you have accomplished something petite, and the one person who sees your result comes over to you and says: “Hey, great job you did there.” Easy as that you'll get a feeling of connection to this person. Praise is like rays of sunshine of our warm skin. There is no possibility to praise too much as long as you mean it. Action step for rule 1: Watch out for accomplishments from your counterpart.
Rule 2: Help the other always not losing their face.
It would be best if you didn’t unmask people at any time. If someone is making a mistake, make him feel like the error isn’t there. If the mistake was too obvious to help the person minimize the error and be on his side , maybe you jump on a joke about yourself and draw all the attention. You have just won one new friend or colleague. Never degrade someone; support them instead with their point of view. Action step for rule 2: Minimize the mistakes of others.
Rule 3: Who doesn’t know it.
You stand around with a bunch of friends at a party or with some colleges during the lunch break: “Did you see what Sara was wearing yesterday? Wasn’t that a bit too short?”. One person starts gossiping about a friend or colleague, and everyone joins in. That’s very common, but it doesn’t feel right. And it is also not correct. Even when you were very egoistic, you shouldn’t do it. Talking bad about others produces negative emotions in yourself, and you keep going down the negativity spiral. Action step rule 3: Hence you should point out the useful facts about the person everyone is talking about. You will influence the culture in your particular group dramatically. You will be the one delivering good news, and you will gain more trust from every party because they will unconsciously know that you are talking good about others.
Rule 4: Observe very precisely.
During any conversation, your counterpart will send signals. If you can read those signals, you have some profound skills in any social interaction. Maybe someone cannot tell his real perspective. In that case, you can help this person by monitoring. If the person is doing good, give praise. If you detect something, he might want to say, allow him to go into that topic. Action step rule 4: Observe your counterpart.
Rule 5: Always appeal to the good motives someone carries around.
Most people talk about themselves. They want to tell their remarkable story or what they achieved. What about helping others describing their successes or notable achievements? Don’t you think someone helping you spread your word will be much more worth to you? There is another crucial effect on this: You help the person transform into what they want to become. As Benjamin Franklin said:
“Speak ill of no man, but speak all the good you know of everybody.”
You won another person to your crew by being on his or her side. Straightforward, very efficient. Action step rule 5: Support the person you are talking to.
Rule 6: Criticize not too often, and if you do, try to do it indirectly.
That helps people accept what you say if they don’t need to refer it directly to their personality. If you don’t address them directly by criticizing their character, they will be much more likely to think about what you said without being caught in a defense mechanism. Having someone defending himself won’t alleviate any situation given. It is also better when you criticize something to address only the problem and not the person itself—one more thing: never criticize in written words. You won’t be able to see the reaction. Maybe there is further expiation required. Sometimes you would worsen the situation a lot with written critique. Thus, it would be insufficient to give comments in a group. Always make sure to go to a one–on–one talk with the person (walks are also a pretty sweet alternative to consider). Action step rule 6: Show your counterpart that you really like him and only give critique indirectly.
Rule 7: Help others feeling big.
Accept and praise their achievements. Help them feeling great by telling them your weaknesses. It is very noble to be able to talk about our shortcomings. If you can do better than someone, don’t tell them. Let them be successful in their particular situation. We don’t know the personal circumstances sometimes. For that reason, we cannot judge the person. Action step rule 7: Let others win and let them be successful in their sense.
Rule 8: Apologize when you made a mistake.
That sounds too trivial somehow. But when we are honest with ourselves. Many times, we try to hide mistakes. Instead, if we say, “Hey, I made a mistake, I want to apologize for that,” we gain a lot of trust from our fellowship. Action step rule 8: Be the first to see your fault and act.
Rule 9: Don’t take orders. Make proposals.
Offering someone an idea as a proposal will open the mind of the person you addressed. Instead, when you go straight forward to a person and tell them, “they do this and that,” the result might be resistance. If not, it is at least a bad feeling you are provoking in the person talking to. Action step rule 9: Encourage collaboration by using proposals.
Rule 10: Show your understanding.
It is essential to show comprehension when someone is caught in anger. If you face a very different view or perspective on a subject, try to get to a common understanding. Try to help the other person to be accepted by literally accepting their idea or their irritation. Most commonly, the annoyance is a cry out for attention. If someone needs recognition, give it to them. You can help someone in an insecure environment and be even more liked. Action step rule 10: Deliver compassion, sympathy, gain trust and friendship.
Rule 11: Don’t talk too much.
Your conversation share should include below. The other person should talk more. Make sure the person you are talking to gets the feeling of being heard. Deliver the chance or space for the other person to speak and give them a good sense of being important enough that you listen. Action step rule 11: Be a good listener.
Rule 12: Make the other person think the idea came from them.
This one helps to build self-confidence in your counterpart. You develop your skills as a leader and step back and let the other person gain all the acknowledgment and fame for “their” neat idea. In the end, you have to control your ego to be a good “relation-shipper.” Action step rule 12: take back your ego. It will be a real game-changer.
Rule 13: Don’t interrupt the other person speaking.
Why? It feels terrible being interrupted, and it reduces self-confidence. The very next thing they will do is getting angry and disappointed. The outcome from this discussion won’t be too successful. Please make sure you listen to your partner and try to understand them fully. Even knowing the person talking to you is not right, let them finish their speech. Interrupting also leads to misunderstanding. The moment you interrupt a person, you say, “I already know what they are going to say.” That means you feel superior to them, and that makes a terrible relationship. Action step rule 13: Listen.
Rule 14: Change your perspective.
Try to change your perspective and take the point of view of your counterpart. That will lead to different understandings and, ultimately, to a better relationship. Question yourself and ask why the other person might act how they act. There might be reasons you cannot see as long as you don’t look into the same direction or onto the same issues. Action step 14: Try to set yourself to your partner – try his perspective.
Rule 15: Never try to be right.
Being right feels incredible, you know that. For this reason, you always try to be right. This behavior will result in few relationships, and only a few people left if you keep that going. Try to know your position. But you don’t necessarily need to communicate that. Just know your point and go on. Even say to your partner that you might be wrong, admit that there might be other possibilities. That leads to communication with less stress, and in the unlikely event that you're mistaken, it will be way easier to commit your mistake. Action step rule 15: Keep your solution with you. Keep your door open for possible errors.
Rule 16: Always be gifting.
Having a gift for someone even without a concrete occasion is priceless. This doesn’t need to be a physical gift. Praising someone is also a practical gift, as mentioned before. The more creative you get gifting, the more the receiver will feel that you made up your mind a lot about him. And that creates binding. Action step rule 16: Have a journal and write down the most critical persons in your life to always be prepared.
Rule 17: Stay cool in disagreements.
Be friendly and open with your counterpart. Don’t communicate your opinion too fast. First, seek out to find some similarities. Homogeneity builds bridges. As soon as you start to develop similarities, your counterpart will be very open to discussing the two or three small differences that might show. The outcome will be completely different. You will form your stage to talk and lead from instead of cornering the other person. If there is no standard solution right away, make sure to come back later to the topic. Most of the time, it is easier to find a legal solution than thought. Action step rule 17: Take your time, do not rush your answers.
Rule 18: Show genuine interest.
What will happen if you tell someone a story, and he starts checking his Instagram? You will feel that he isn’t interested in you or your account. You will feel bad. Instead of being absent, show some respect and listen carefully. Ask questions for understanding but do not attempt to change his message instantly. Tell your counterpart that you will think about it and help with a solution later. Do not interpret everything to try to understand the real news instead—action step rule 18: Like the person who is talking to you. Try to open your heart to hear and feel what he is trying to say.
Rule 19: Smile.
You are walking through the mall, and you are passing by people all looking very grumpy. And then there is this one person smiling at you while you are giving them. How does that feel? Sometimes strange because we are so much used to the grumpy cats before, but usually a very heartwarming feeling. That is precisely what we want to deliver to the person we are talking to right now. There is also another thing about that smiling. When you smile, you start to feel better. And how doesn’t like to feel good? Action step rule 19: Give everyone you meet a smile.
Rule 20: Use names.
Everyone likes to hear their name. It is something special for our psyche when someone calls your name. It just feels good. And the relationship is a lot about feeling good. Try to avoid nicknames or other words to call your counterpart. Especially when you know someone not for too long, knowing their name is a sign of respect and appreciation. And it will work wonders to use their names frequently. But not too frequently; you don’t want to be the person overdoing it heavily. Action step rule 20: Actively track how often you use a name and double the quota.
Rule 21: Change your point of view.
Sometimes people do not communicate precisely because they don’t know how or don’t dare to. Being able to see their point of view enables us to understand more precisely what they are talking about. Try to think about how you could give them an advantage with their current topic or issue, how you could help them solve their task or concern. Action step rule 21: It’s not about your perspective.
Rule 22: Deliver good vibes.
In every single talk or phone call, always make sure to deliver good vibes. There shouldn’t be a conversation without having achieved that your counterpart is feeling right, at least at some point in the process. You should focus on two things. First, he should have a better feeling for himself, and second, he should have better feelings for your company, project, or whatever context you guys are around.
Rule 23: Forgive.
It happens that we get upset. And that’s okay. Suppose you want to continue your relationship with someone, you need to figure out ways of letting that feeling go. You have to jump over your shadow. There is a lot involved in successful relationship management, but one thing is undoubtedly missing: your ego. Usually, resentments are the product of an unsolved problem or issue that at least one party carries around for a while. Maybe you’ll find some advice in this article on how to handle that topic by treating your counterpart respectfully. Letting go of bad feelings and resentments is the easiest way of clearing your mind. You have to get rid of your negative thoughts. It has nothing to do with losing your honor or something like that. It is just a simple ego trick to keep you away from nagging on the same themes over and over again. Action step rule 23: Be forgiving.
Rule 24: Send best wishes calmly.
This might sound a little esoteric. For everyone not being involved too much in meditating and all that stuff, this might go a little too far. But maybe you are eager enough to give it a try. Experiment with sending best wishes to all the people you are dealing with. This will have two significant results. First off, you are going to make a very positive picture of that person in your mind. This will help you deal with them the next time you interact. The second thing is you will open your heart. And these days you probably use your heart not often enough. You could learn again to make decisions with your heart. And that only works when it is open. Action step rule 24: See the good things people do and send them best wishes.
Lots of Rules are more proposals to deal with people to embody strong relationships and strong relationship culture. In the end, it comes all down to two persons or small groups. If there is just one party in a destructive mindset, you can do what you want. You won’t succeed. This is fine as well. Let them go. And let your ego go because they might come back to you, and then you should be prepared and ready to listen fully.
